Selecting The Theme Song That's Right For You

The hardest part of coming up with a new fedding character is of course deciding on their entrance music. It can be intimidating to look down a list of claimed songs and see that everything you wanted to use has already been taken. But fear not! I have compiled this guide to help you through the process of selecting a song which says absolutely nothing about your character, which is how it's supposed to work.


1. METAL

The default. Ideally, it should be New Wave American Heavy Metal. The more generic the better. Yeah, you COULD use some other kind of metal, but even with relatively standard stuff like Coal Chamber or Fear Factory, people would almost certainly look at you funny, like they think you’re gay. Do you want them to think you’re gay?


Even more ideally than that, it should be by a band who currently perform theme music for a WWE Superstar. Godsmack, Killswitch Engage and Alter Bridge are good places to start, but only use songs which have been released as singles and/or used in WWE video packages. In fact, if you’re really trying to go for the song which stands out the absolute least, just use Voices by Rev Theory.


Almost anyone can (and should) use metal, but if your character is young, white, male and American, then there’s really no point in looking any further, with a couple of exceptions I’ll come to shortly. If your character is British and/or over the age of thirty-five, you may select from the following additional bands: AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, The Quireboys, Saxon. No, you can’t have Def Leppard or Girlschool. Nor can you have Guns ‘n’ Roses, Van Halen or Aerosmith. With the exception of Metallica (who only got good from the Black Album onwards anyway), hard rock and metal didn’t exist in America before Trent Reznor rearranged his old, scratched Depeche Mode, Gary Numan and The Cure albums.


On that note, industrial and electronic metal are okay provided your character is dark and gothic (and preferably got abused as a kid) and it’s something well-known like White Zombie, Nine Inch Nails or Marilyn Manson or that one KMFDM song everyone knows but can’t place. Nothing borderline industrial like Combichrist or Chiasm please, and NDH is completely out, even for German characters. It’s unknown whether or not Ministry and Skinny Puppy are allowed as theme music, since nobody is recorded as having ever tried.


Avoid bands which sing in languages other than English. All German and Benelux bands are Nazis, all Scandinavian bands are communist collaborators, and there’s no such thing as a good French band. The only bands in Spain and Portugal are punk, and who the hell listens to any punk other than the Misfits? The only good Italian bands have female vocals, and let’s be honest, all bands with female vocalists are probably Wiccans or something.


2. RAP / HIP-HOP

Permissible as an alternative to metal for black men or white women. If you’re a black woman, or Latin of either gender, then you have to use hip-hop, or an R&B song featuring at least one verse guest-rapped by a successful MC. White men may use rap under one of two circumstances: Firstly, if they’re extremely wealthy. Perhaps a playboy heir, or the CEO of a successful company. Basically, if they could appear on a rich list or in Forbes, then you can use either A: Something in the style of Cash Money Records, or B: Something by Eminem. The other group of white men allowed to use rap is Juggalos who must use Insane Clown Posse for at the least their first five years and then may branch out to Twiztid or Blaze Ya Dead Homie. This caveat is simplified by the fact that all Juggalos must be white and male.


3. DANCE / TECHNO

Only permissible if the band in question is either Prodigy or Pendulum, and even then, only if the song is Breathe, Firestarter or Smack My Bitch Up in the former case, or Propane Nightmares in the latter.


4. OTHER MUSIC

Foreign characters can use their home nation’s national anthem, or if they’re from the southern hemisphere, generic tribal music. Japanese characters get an anime theme. But otherwise, just use an American band for your foreign character anyway, nobody will care. Dark goth characters may use Carmina Burana, but nothing else classical is allowed. Country is only for characters over the age of 45 if male or 30 if female, and even then, it should be country with a rock twist. No jazz, no pop, no punk, no funk, no folk. As for indie? Don’t be ridiculous. Come on, who actually listens to Animal Collective or Xiu Xiu? Pasty, Pitchfork-reading New England hipster posers, that’s who.


FINAL TOUCHES

You're almost done, there's just a couple more steps to follow. Be sure not to list the name of the song correctly, and misspell the name of the band for good measure. That way people will know you just ripped it from Limewire. Some examples to get you started:

Bodies = Let The Bodies Hit The Floor

Killing In The Name = Killing In The Name Of

Chop Suey = Self Righteous Suicide

Down With The Sickness = Who cares what Disturbed songs are called?

But wait! People must hear your song! Linking to it is helpful for the fed’s staff, but there are rules here too. The absolute best thing to link to is a thirty second extract of the middle eight on Last.fm, but failing that, go for a Harry/Draco fan video on Youtube which uses your song as the soundtrack. For bonus points, link to a video which is unavailable in the fedhead’s nation of residence.


Follow all these simple steps, and you too can have a theme song with no originality, uniqueness or relevance to your character!